I was a CIA, KGB, and MI6 agent

Posted on Actualizado enn

I was  a triple CIA, KGB and MI6 agent for a while. I can confess it now, because we are at the end of history,  and nothing happens anymore. I got into this mess when oil prices fell in 1986 and I was concerned because there was little work. So I sent  my resume to all the spy and intelligence agencies worldwide. I was so desperate I even sent a letter to the Mabaheth of Saudi Arabia and the Israeli Mossad, those guys  would have forced  me to convert to Islam and Judaism respectively  if I had been accepted.

Imagine my happiness when I received several dozen invitations for interviews! My self esteem was pretty high, so  I decided to be selective.  I only accepted invitations from the CIA, the KGB, and the MI6.

The interviews were all the same. They asked endless banalities, they made ​​me drink eight glasses of whiskey, vodka and gin, respectively, then asked me go down a hallway and open a door with a small key.  After that  I had to go ​​out of  a  6th floor window and go for a  walk along the ledge, enter another window without making noise and put my ear to the door.  That was it.

I must admit that at the time I was a little crazy, and when I got  job offers from all three agencies I decided to take them all at once. The triple pay was great, and when one is a spy one can lie to the boss and tell him he’s into something secret,  then travel on assignment  for a different spy agency.

Because  the work involved  being  a spy, a  voyeur,  and write reports,  I often managed to deliver the same report to all three at the same time, which saved me a lot of work. For example, when I was in Burma, everything was in triplicate because no one really cared much about what happened in that country (the government was repressive and their pastime was  killing their own people, but they  never spoke ill of the great powers so they were considered to be ok).

At one point I had a huge scare, because the CIA sent me to meet with me, who was representing the MI6, and get some documents the MI6 was delivering to the CIA.  At the same time  the KGB asked me to tape the  meeting between the two sides.  Imagine the  mess.  Luckily the work that MI6 had given me was to get copies of articles from the Spanish press on Felipe González Márquez, which I, as an MI6 agent,  had to pass on to myself at the CIA. The CIA wasn´t  interested in this man but they were  always looking for excuses to buy information from the  MI6 because they knew that the British were always short of money. Anyway,  I managed to pass the documents from me to my alter ego at the CIA, and as a KGB agent I recorded the  conversation between myself and me and gave it to Moscow center. Everything went well.

Having those three jobs was nice but stressful. So,  eventually I decided to resign from the KGB and MI6 when the CIA offered me a position in the research department lab, working 40 hours a week without hassles.

Luckily I didn´t  have a labor dispute with the other guys.  The KGB was demoralized because Gorbachev didn´t  let them torture as much anymore, and the British  we were so short of money we had to send our  secret messages by regular mail.  Both agencies  let me go without causing me any problems.

The work in the research department of the CIA was fun while it lasted. Eventually I returned to two more or less normal jobs I hold today: I work for Greenpeace and the Koch brothers, both are easy jobs making protest signs and writing shit in internet blogs. So let´s get back to my CIA lab job….

Imagine, my job was to design technology to assassinate other countries´ leaders. That lab was where we designed the mosquito with the little tank loaded with cancer that killed President Chavez of Venezuela … I worked on that. However, the cancer mosquito program is considered a failure. We did a pilot  using weak countries (we wanted to kill presidents whose replacements  couldn´t retaliate if they found us out).  So,  we sent mosquitoes to Dilma Rousseff, Lula da Silva, Fernando Lugo, Cristina Fernandez,  and Hugo Chávez.

Only the Chavez mosquito did its job properly.  But  it took 20 months from the time the mosquito stung until the target died.  The other pilot enemies of the empire got cancer but survived.   The project was abandoned, because we couldn´t afford to  send murderer mosquitoes which failed to kill the target 80% of the time.

After the mosquito project was cancelled, I became convinced plain imagination was much better than exotic technology.  To test my idea, I sent a leather-bound Kama Sutra to Ernesto Kirchner. He must have read it the day he received it, because that night he died while he was in bed with Cristina.

I was also responsible for the elimination of Fidel Castro.  I sent Fidel a large basket  full of hard cheeses.  Fidel loved the gift, he had the cheeses tested to make sure they weren´t  poisoned, and then the fool ate the whole basket within a week.

Eating so much cheese  gave Fidel a serious case of  constipation, which led to really bad hemorrhoids.  And as I had expected,  the  Cuban dictator refused arse surgery  until it was too late.  Fidel died and they had to use his double fulltime. But that old  geezer  can barely  speak, so the dictatorship was handed over to his brother Raul,  who is capitalist but has hidden this tendency for over 50 years.

I am very proud of the Fidel case. I think the CIA would have given me a gold medal if weren´t an  organization where obsessive secrecy is the norm,  and where murders are not listed in the employee evaluation form.

I think it was an excellent decision to leave, because today the CIA is not the same as it was before.  They murder people with drones using rockets fired by remote control, and all the killing in person  is left for the Special Forces, but those guys don´t observe the old CIA tradecraft we developed with so much pride. Can you imagine a Green Beret delivering a basket full of cheeses to a Taliban leader in Afghanistan? Neither can I.

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